Moving on from your past... is it truly something that's possible?
All too often I hear..
"Wow, you are so strong."
"Your story is truly amazing and inspiring."
"Your resilience is outstanding."
"You've overcame so much."
It does make me feel good to get this recognition and I do believe I am a resilient person. However, there is a down side to hearing all these statements.
When is it okay for me to be weak? To show the struggle I am still going through because of my past?
My perception: never.
People have an expectation for me to not be affected at all by my past obstacles since it does appear as though I've become bigger than them. I was very involved in high school and graduated. Then I went onto college. I am one of the few who will actually graduate with my degree. I took advantage of so many great opportunities and will graduate on the President's List. I have great friends, a loving boyfriend and a dad who has supported me through it all.
All of that is my exterior strength. Things people can see without having to actually listen to me. If people took time to look past that and really listen to me, this is a snap shot of what I'd say..
I heard a Meth success story on April 27, the day after my mom's birthday. Instead of rejoicing for that person, I was thinking "Why did you get to beat your addiction and get your kids back? Why are you alive but my mom is dead?" I have never before felt so resentful towards someone else's success.
I'm less than two weeks away from my graduation and I honestly wish the day wouldn't come. It's just another milestone I'm going to reach that my mom won't see. The reason why I always believed I could go to college despite everyone else tearing me down is because my mom believed I could which made me believe I could. It doesn't help to hear "She'll be there with you in spirit."She won't be there and there is absolutely nothing that can change that.
I've never had one person who has been in my life consistently. My mom would run away on binges for days or even weeks at a time and I would never know if she was coming home. I'd watch out my grandma's bay window hoping the car that was coming down the road would turn into our driveway and it'd be my mom coming home. She permanently left me when I was 16. I didn't meet my dad until I was 8 or something like that. I knew him before I knew he was my dad but he wasn't my dad during that time. I really hated him for a long time because of this.
My mom's entire side of the family is addicted to drugs and the one uncle who isn't, wasn't around much when I was younger. Drug addicts can never be relied on. For anything. Not even if they're your family. The cousins I do have who aren't addicted, I grew up with them like brothers and sisters. But the addiction in our family tore us apart for a really long time.
My brother and I were separated when we were young to different foster homes and then to live with our different dads. Our relationship hasn't been the same since. I barely even know him. This is the most heartbreaking thing I've been through aside from losing my mom.
My life has been full of unpredictability, chaos and inconsistency. This is one of the things that affects my current relationships more than anything. I've never fully trusted anyone to remain in my life for a long period of time without leaving and hurting me at one point or another. My guard is constantly up. Somedays I can be just fine and be open and intimate with people I truly cherish and love.
But during the downhill of my roller coaster life, I can push people away and block them out to the point our relationship completely breaks. My mind thought is "I want to block them out before they have the chance to leave and cause the hurt on me." But in reality, I'm only hurting myself and those around me. They can tell I'm detached and ultimately it hurts my relationships with them. I don't even notice I'm doing it until I've already caused damage. I realize this in retrospect but I continue to do it over and over and over again.
I couldn't control what happened to me. I couldn't prevent. I couldn't rewind it and do it differently. But here I am, 21 years old, and am still impacted by it every single day.
I don't know what it is to feel consistent love. I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, sounds like, feels like.
I don't know what it means to be truly happy. I can only be happy in one moment.
I can't even figure out who I am because I am still so stuck in my past.
Have I accomplished a lot of things I am proud of and I know my mother would be proud of? Absolutely.
If you asked me, I wouldn't identify myself as strong or overcoming my past because my past controls every aspect who I am, why I do what I do (both positively and negatively) and the only identity I feel people recognize me for is "The girl who grew up with a meth addicted mother who is graduating college."
That is how I identify myself.
Every accomplishment is preceded by something I overcame in my past. My past is my identity. My past is who I am. How do I truly overcome my past which is exactly what made me who I am? How do I become, just me who is recognized for just that, not the past she's "overcame?"
I hope I'm making this clear. I know my past is why I am who I am. But I don't want it to be who I'll always be.
