I think I feel my best when I'm doing something for someone else. Even if it's something as small as sending a "Hope you're having a good day" text message. I wish I could say I do it out of the pureness of my heart (which, yes, I do) but I can't say I don't get anything back from it. It brightens my day, to brighten someone else's. It fills a desire in my heart that I'm not sure I can completely describe. Unfortunately, this can also be very exhausting for me sometimes as I am over aware of the emotions of those around me and at times, it even feels like I start experiencing those emotions myself. I definitely have a "hyper-sensitive" personality. I've lived an... well, let's just say.. interesting.. life (as I'm sure most of you have read about in this blog) and I live in a society that doesn't always cater to my very sensitive nature & if I give it the ability, it can tear me down in a instance. I can take things too personally, over think a mediocre situation and turn it into a catastrophe, I cry during movies and listening to songs, I feel pain for people I've never even met that live miles, states and even countries away (so just imagine the amount of pain I feel for those I do know). I have to process through every action and thought that I have determining the reason for almost everything that happens to me or around me. I am impacted greatly by those around me, their words and their actions.
I wish I could say I handle this gracefully. But I don't. It can be overwhelming, to say the least. I struggle with it constantly, always having an internal battle. My emotions can completely deplete the energy out of me. They can be so tiring that I neglect my relationships with the people around me because I just don't have the stamina in me to keep giving all I have. Being someone who is so in-tune with emotions and relationships, for me, the normal low points feel like rock bottom and the normal high points feel like I'm in a place of pure tranquility.
I have to believe God chose this life for me. There is a reason he gave me a mother who was addicted to drugs. There is a reason I've lived through the trauma of my mother being shot, of being neglected, of being sexually abused. As much as I hate to say it, there is a reason God took my mother when I was only sixteen years old. God knew exactly what he was doing when he chose me to be my mother's daughter. He chose me to love a drug addict unconditionally. He chose to put people in my life who would hurt me to teach me resilience and forgiveness. He made me over sensitive to the pain and hurt in the world. He put the hole in my heart that could only be filled by loving others, helping others.. even those who are deemed undeserving by others. He's taught me that even though sometimes all we can see is the worst in a person that they shouldn't be judged, for there is a deep history, a story, behind every single person. And we all deserve salvation.
This is all extremely challenging for me, some days are great days and some days are terrible days. I am constantly learning how to live with my past experiences while continuing to try and create the kind of life I want to live. I get off track, I fall down but His footprints are always right beside me and my mother is always in my heart. So while sometimes I am emotional and sensitive... this what being a child who loves an addicted mother has shaped me to be. It's who God chose for me to be and each day, I try to be the best me I can be, emotions and all.
