I've never been a skinny girl, always had curves. Never had a problem with that. But when I was 16, my life changed. My mom, my best friend, my rock died so unexpectedly. It would be the honest truth to say my life crashed into a downward spiral. I hit into a very deep depression. I didn't care about my life my as much. I wasn't as committed to my activities, to my school work, not even to my friends.. I definitely wasn't concerned about my health, mentally or physically. This was a really dark time for me. I isolated myself, shut down, spent countless nights crying myself to sleep. I couldn't find a way to cope with it. I even turned to self-mutulation and started cutting to release any amount of the pain I was feeling.
My last year and a half of high school was anything but pleasant. I was lucky though that my life did start to take a turn towards the positive once I began attending the University of Iowa. I still had countless nights crying myself to sleep but throughout my freshman year the depression seemed to lessen and my cutting came to a stop.
It was during this time I became aware of my weight. I was entirely oblivious to the weight I had gained over the last two years. College definitely made me very aware of it. I didn't realize just how much I had used eating and food as a comfort when I was depressed until I looked back. I have to admit starving myself did cross my mind. I did try it. But I would last about an hour and realize, I just couldn't resist food. I think I tried that about twenty times before I realized, my mental health just isn't in a place where anorexia is something I can fully allow myself to give into. And for that, I was blessed. It could have been so easy to develop an eating disorder at this time of my life.
I always talked about wanting to lose weight during college but didn't ever really put the effort in. I dated a guy all throughout so I guess I didn't really feel a need to lose weight. I felt confident despite it.
In my post college wisdom (haha) as I was thinking about my life one day, I realized, since my mom died.. I have regained so much of my mental and emotional health. I haven't cut in years, I open up just a little bit more when I feel I need to. Hell, I even started a blog entirely about how my mom's meth addiction, my past and her dying as affected my life. I've really taken control over myself.
Now, I want to get myself back to physical health. Before you go saying "But you're not fat, you're beautiful the way you are" I don't believe I am fat or unbeautiful. In fact, i do think I am beautiful and no, I don't think that makes me cocky or full of myself. My beauty is defined by much more than my physical appearance.
Know that I am doing this for ME. This is about my journey through life, my happiness, my health. And let's be honest, if I need to throw a punch out at someone, I want to be able to do it with some power behind it ;)
I want my body to be as strong as my mind.
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