The Outcast

I graduated from college a little over three weeks ago. I have a job working with children who have mental health and psychological problems. With having reached two major accomplishments recently I've been thinking a lot about where I come from, where I am and where I'm going.

Family is one of the most important things in my life and without them I have no idea where I'd be. But as I reminisced over the last few years of my life since my mom died, I've began to realize something.

I could not be more proud of myself but making my dreams come true has come at a price. And that price is my mom's side of the family.

I've completely shut out aunts, uncles and cousins because of their meth addiction and their involvement with drugs. It's not that I don't love them and aren't happy to see them the seldom times I do but they are not the kind of people I want to have consistently in my life because of the lifestyle that comes with their drug use. They're unpredictable and only care about one thing - getting high. When I do see them it often includes asking for rides, money or other resources they need to obtain drugs. It's constant fighting with each other. And nearly every time they are high. In no way is there the support or love a family is supposed to provide. No good time memories made. And I just do not have time for that.

My family is a drug family. Their bonds and relationships are through drugs. They've either done drugs together, sold drugs together or both. And this is a bond I will never share with them, a bond I will never understand. Whether they've done drugs together for 20 years or they only tried it once together and haven't tried drugs since, drugs are so embedded into my family and that's a part of my family I am not involved in.

In no way do I believe I am better than my family members who have a past or current involvement with drugs. In no way do I love them less because of it. It just breaks my heart that I feel so disconnected from them because I know where I want kind of life I want to have and my family members with severe drug use aren't in my life. It destroys me inside to know the one thing that connects nearly each of my family members together pushes me away from them.

If I could have just one wish come true it would be that I could have a family that could be involved in supporting me and helping me achieve my dreams. A family that I could trust to be right there by my side every step of the way. A family I felt like I belonged to.