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I have always had a dream, to run away, to a new place far enough away that the "Wauters" reputation can't follow me or find me. Pack up my belongings, drive till the land turns blue, settle down and begin a new Wauters family tradition. Go to a place where when I'm asked who my mother is and my answer is "Denise Wauters" they won't automatically know that I come from that family and there isn't the reaction of "wait.. you're Denise's daughter? and you're doing this well for yourself?"

Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed of my past. This dream of eloping isn't because I want to deny who I am and where I came from. I have my mother to thank for shaping me and molding me into the person I am today, I could never deny her. My dream isn't about running away from my past as much as it is about creating my own identify for myself. 

In some ways, I know I have already done this by achieving goals I have laid out for myself. But I can't shake my past. I don't know how to fit it into who I am today. 

For instance, I was transporting a client I work with to a doctor's appointment and during the drive we were talking and somehow we figured out that she knew my mother. She used to party with my mother and knew me when I was a little girl. And one thing she said during this conversation was "Wow, no one ever thought you would do anything." When I was in high school and college a comment like this would make me really proud.. I would think "That's right, I am not a statistic, I beat the odds." But now, I wish when people did find out about the past I overcame that my achievements wouldn't be about the fact that I overcame adversities. 

And I wish I could understand why I don't want it to be about my past anymore, but I absolutely don't. I wish I knew what I did want it to be about but I have no idea.

I mean.. for people who didn't have to overcome the adversities I did and they make the same achievements I did.. what do people say to them?

I am just so sick of hearing that I wasn't expected to do anything. Because really, it honestly hurts my feelings so much to know that at the age of 5, at the age of 8, at the age of 10 and whatever other age, I was already being casted as someone who wouldn't achieve anything. How can people make that judgement about someone who is so young and whose life hasn't even started yet?

Am I proud of the things I have accomplished? Without a doubt, 100%. Do I know my past has shaped me and lead me to my passions? Yes, there is no denying that. But I want to figure out a way to not have my past be so strongly embedded into me.

I don't know how to share my passions with people I have relationships with without sharing my past. Whenever I have a new relationship, I have a constant battle on knowing when and how or if I even should share my past because I know it's such a large part of who I am and without understanding my past, I don't feel like people can truly understand me. It makes things extremely complicated for me, like I'm going through a maze and I have no idea if sharing my past be the right turn to build the relationship or if it will lead me to a road block. My past isn't something I can tell just anyone but at the same time I have such a strong urge to tell people because I feel it's the only way they'll truly know who I am.

I hope for a day when someone can know me, really know me, without needing to know my past. But at this point in my life, if I am beginning a relationship with someone, I feel as though until they know of my past, they can't know me.

And it breaks my heart to know I am defined by my past. I want to be able to start fresh and just be me. Not the girl who overcame adversities. I hope my path of self discovery can lead me to that one day. And that each day I continue to take steps to create myself, to find out who I am so that one day, I can feel like even if someone doesn't know my past, it doesn't mean they don't understand me.

I really question myself on if that's really possible. All the reasons why I do what I do, why I have the passions and morals I do, why I love and receive love the way I do, is because of my past. I don't have the power to change my past or the way it has impacted me. And I know everyone's past has shaped them, it's not just me who is shaped by their past. But I have this really strong urge to want to have a separate identity from my past but I want it to still be an identify that is true to myself. I don't want to pretend to be somebody I am not.

This is something I am struggling with so much. This isn't my first post about my past being my identity and wanting to get away from it. I honestly wish I knew what to do here because I am stuck and I feel like I am banging my head on a wall because like I said, I can't change my past or it's affects on me. But my biggest desire right here, right now, is just feeling like someone can know me and more importantly, understand me, without knowing about my past. I wonder why that is something I want so badly.