Child Abuse Survivor: The way I experience it

I was re-reading my blog and realized I used a term to describe myself that I have never used before.. "child abuse survivor." I don't know if it was just the rage of my emotion coming out and thinking about the way her addiction has affected me but I have never identified as a survivor of child abuse before. I didn't even know I would be considered a child abuse survivor until last fall.

I took a child welfare class last semester (Fall 2011) and it made me really curious to know more about my child welfare case. Ever since I can remember DHS had been involved with my family starting when my mother was shot until after I began living with my dad. I always thought their involvement only had to do with my mother's addiction. I decided to go through all the papers my dad had kept about my case. I wanted to know more about my childhood that I didn't remember. I had questions that only my mom would know the answer to but I couldn't ask her. I thought my case file would be able to answer some of them for me.

I dug out the two huge folders packed with papers from DHS. In no way was I prepared for what I was about to learn. My mom had multiple cases of child abuse against her, mainly for denial of critical care which can include numerous things like inadequate supervision. 

I never remember going hungry. I never remember not being watched after by somebody, whether it was my mom, my grandma, an aunt or a neighbor, someone was always there. But here it was in my case files that there were times my mom didn't provide critical care. There was a specific story of my mom sleeping on the couch really sick (likely coming down from a binge) and my social worker came over and my brother and I told her we were hungry because my mom didn't make food for us that day. There was another time my social worker came over and my mom had no idea where my brother was. They had to go looking for him and eventually found him at a friend's house. 

What struck me the hardest about my case was the stories of the times my mom didn't show up for our visit while I was in foster care or the times my mom refused to go to treatment even though it was a requirement before she could get us back. 

I never knew any of this. I didn't remember any of it. To read this on paper broke my heart. It made me feel like my mother didn't love me the way I thought she did. The way my memory told me she loved me. She was a worse mother than I thought. After just reading papers I went from remembering my mother as loving, caring and always providing me with what I needed to trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was a victim of child abuse. 

I was struggling so much with this that I reached out to one of my professors in the School of Social Work. She said something so powerful that has stuck. She said, from what I know of you and your past, I have never known you to identify as a child abuse survivor because that's not how you experienced it. It's up to you how you want to identify and while some people would call you a survivor, you don't have to have that identify if you don't want to.

I share this story because it is so important for people to realize that no matter how bad of parents people think drug addicts are, children are going to love and care for their parents no matter what. I may have went hungry at times or not always been watched after the best but that's not what I remember. What I do remember is coming home from school crying after being bullied and my mom telling me over and over how beautiful I am inside and out. I remember my mom teaching me how important education is. I remember my mom calling me almost everyday just to tell me how proud she is of me and that she loves me.

Do I identify as a survivor of child abuse? No. 

Do I realize the ways my mom wasn't a good parent? Yes. 

But all the good she did for me, all the love she gave me and all the lessons she taught me have always spoke louder. There's a reason my mind doesn't recall neglect I experienced and that's because my mom showed me love way more than she neglected me. 

Some kids may not have been as lucky as I was to have a mom who showed so much love. Some kids may remember the amounts of neglect they experienced. But I think one thing holds true for all kids of addicts and it's that - no matter how bad the addiction their parent has and the ways it has hurt them, they love their mom/dad and will always have a part of them that will never let go of that faith that some day, things will be different, and their mom/dad will sober up.