Getting Through Another Day

I wrote this the same night I wrote "Family Affair" (so six days ago) but I really wasn't sure if I wanted to post it. Since my first post I haven't posted anything that is just raw emotion and me just writing to write and not to tell a story. Telling my story of my experiences isn't hard for me. What's hard for me is being so honest about the pain. Even though I started this blog to talk about the pain, it's something that I still struggle with.

Everyone loves hearing stories of people who have overcame adversities and go on to do great things. But no one wants to hear about the pain the person goes through while overcoming everything. In our society, especially in the midwest, we make sure we don't make anyone else feel uncomfortable with what we're talking about which is part of the reason why I was reluctant to share a post that was about my pain. 


I think this is something that needs to change. We need to feel comfortable hearing the emotional pain of others because everyone has it. People need to feel like they are in a safe place where they can share those emotions if they want to. So while, I still am apprehensive about sharing this, I am going to. Because I don't want to always feel like I have to hide the pain. I don't want others to hide their pain. We all experience pain, we should all be comfortable talking about it, hearing about it and sharing it. 


This post ends abruptly because I got to a point where I was crying so hard, I couldn't write any longer. When I am missing my mom I usually just force it out of my mind so I don't have to deal with the emotions. But when I write, I am forcing myself to feel the emotions that come along with not having a mom. And many times, it's too hard. So that's why this post just kind of stops, I just couldn't keep writing. 

While I was writing my blog about Diana's story of drug raids, I was perfectly fine. Just reflecting on a few memories and thinking about how proud I am of Diana. But about an hour later I find myself crying and just thinking about how much I miss my mom. I'm so tired of missing her. I never get to stop missing her. That's what it's always going to be - Alisha missing her mom. In everyday life. At college graduation. At my wedding. No event in life comes without me wishing my mom was here. I wonder what my mom would think if she read my blog. I wonder what she'd say if I could call her up and tell her I was watching Selena.

I had a dream about my mom last week for the first time in a really long time. I really don't dream about her very often but when I do, it's always her contacting me, usually by phone. God never lets her talk very long though.

In my recent dream, I had a voicemail on my phone so I check it and the next thing I know I'm hearing my mother's voice. I can't quite make out what she is saying because in my dream, it feels so real. I start bawling and freaking out because I can't believe I am actually hearing her voice. I can't believe God let her call me. In my dream, I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I miss most of what she says. From this dream, I remember hearing her say "Babydoll, I am proud of you and I love you so much. I really wish I could see you."

After I wake up and am back in reality, all I can hear is her voice. I repeat the dream over and over in my mind because it feels so real, it sounded so real.

What I would give to receive one more call from her, a call in this reality. In the reality that my mom is now a person I have memories of, photographs with and dreams about. No new memories can be made. No more photographs can be taken. No more phone calls except for those that come to me in my dreams.

Although reality is I'll never hear her voice again, my dreams, memories and pictures allow her to always be with me.

But that's not who my mom should be to me. I hardly ever ask why me but when it comes to losing my mom at 16, I can't help but ask - why me? God knows I had already had it tough then he gave me the biggest adversity I could ever face to top it all off. But I suppose He knew my mom could no longer take the suffering that came with her drug addiction and He decided to free her from that.

When I was around 10 years old, I remember making my mom promise she'd be at my wedding. She pinky-promised with a smile and said she wouldn't miss it for the world.

Two things come to my mind when I think of this:
1) What 10-year-old feels the need to make her mom pinky promise to be at her wedding?
2) How in the hell am I going to get through that day without her there?

But I'll have to figure it out, like I have with the last 1,937 days since she's been gone. It's always going to be a struggle but like she's taught me - I'll continue to fight through it. No matter how much it completely sucks. But for now, I'll just look forward to more dreams of her and finding comfort in the memories and pictures I do have. And to keep on being grateful for the days I did have with her. What else can I do?

It makes me sick that I have to ask that question - what else can I do? I try not to be mad, but right now I can't help but feel angry that my mom was taken from me way too soon.